How my name is changing to Cristy Spangler

PART I:

September 12, 2009....Thoughts going through my mind....

"I cannot wait for Stake Conference to be inspired, spiritually uplifted, and motivated to be a better mother for my children. To overcome the obstacles in my way. To know my worth in this world. To be a rock for my children. How can I find a way to forget my worries and my challenges and better serve others. Oh and I really, really hope my kids will be quiet long enough for me to even catch some of the talks given during conference so I can at least improve myself in some capacity."

September 13, 2009....What really happened during Stake Conference....

"Girls, please be quiet so we can hear what they are saying."

"Where did Anelyn go?"

"Do you really have to go to the bathroom again or can you wait til conference is over?"

To myself, "OK, I'm down to 1 child. Where did the rest of my kids go?"

"You girls need to get back in your seats right now!" (nicely said of course because I'm in church and I probably shouldn't be stern with my children at church even though I really would like to at this point as they are running down the hallway. Especially since there is now only 15 minutes of conference left and I feel like I caught pretty much nothing but glad I will receive the blessings of obedience for being there). Ugh! Big sigh....

One thing I should mention even as my girls are running all around in their craze, they bring a smile to my heart as they do the things that little girls do and are full of joy and find laughter in all their activities. I am thankful my children are so happy and I do love them with all my heart. Just with all that was going on in my life, I felt so out of control.

OK, Conference is finally over. I couldn't remember much from conference but still glad I came. It was now time for cleanup and then on to the daunting task of finding and gathering my children and hoping for ONCE.....they all have kept their shoes on.

"Clean clean clean, I like to clean. I like to clean up after conference when my children make a big mess covering a large span of area as they irreverently run around the church building.....I don't like to clean!!!!"

Then I bend down to pick up wrappers from crayons and as I look up, I see him. I see this man whom I've thought about several times over the last few months. The only other person I know who is currently going through the same thing I'm going through....a divorce. The big "D" word. The word I never thought I would ever use in my vocabulary in reference to myself. Because I am NOT one of THOSE people. Not the type of person to give up on a marriage. Not the type of person that uses the phrase, "Well, my EX-husband.....". It just wasn't me and it never would be, I thought. And then it WAS me and now I had to face all the funny looks and awkward silence that was present to me because people didn't know what to say to me. What I imagined them saying in their heads, "Should I ask her how she's doing?" or "I don't know what to say to her." or "I wonder what kind of person she really is." or "I'm keeping her away from my husband and staying away from her. I don't want the influence of divorce to rub off on me" or "do I breach the subject to her or avoid it all together?"

Some of the thoughts I felt were likely true since, well, I had thought them in the past in reference to other "single moms" I'd known when I was married. But inside, I kept feeling I wasn't one of them! This isn't me! I'm the same person I always was....or was I?

So maybe I had been a bit sad over the last few months. But I've been holding it together really well. I think I look happy. I put on a happy face at church. Keep my head held high, right? Love my children the same. Still do my makeup and dress cute. Nothing has changed....well except maybe for lots of things!!!

But it had been several months. 5 months had gone by. I moved back to Port Orchard, got myself a home fit enough for me and my girls, got a job! I'm doing good I'd tell myself. I'm on my feet and I will have clients in no time at all! Then I won't have to feel like I'm dependent on child support or assistance from church. I'm going to be on top of the world. I'm going to get a great calling and give a talk in sacrament meeting. The plan will all fall into place in no time. Right? What? That's not how it goes??? I'm suppose to be the good Mormon girl who can do it all. I'm suppose to be super woman. I'm suppose to be able to handle everything and be that rock for my family that I've always felt I'd always been. And when I say my family, I'm speaking of my sisters, brother, and mom. I'd always been the one who had it all together. I never crumbled, never faltered(well no big ones anyway), I'd always been able to handle anything and everything that came my way. I felt like a failure. I was not setting the example that I was suppose to be setting. This isn't the leader they should follow. And then, on top of it all, I had to ask for their help to make it through. I do not love asking for help. It was just so unfair!!

So there I am toward the pulpit cleaning up. And I see Scott Spangler standing there at the end of conference. His children were standing all around him. They were all smiling. Truly happy looking despite all that their family had been going through. And Scott, WOW did he look handsome. Why didn't I remember him being so handsome? Oh, probably because I was married and not looking! ha! I swear to this day that he had this glow surrounding him. He was literally a sight for sore eyes. But I didn't understand. I just expected him to look sad. Most people going through a divorce looked so sad and miserable. And so many fall from their beliefs as they are dealing with this type of trial. But not him...not Scott Spangler. He looked wonderful!

Before I continue on, I should mention how I knew him or even his situation. In July of 2007, I decided to run this crazy race called the Ragnar Relay. It was from Blaine to Whidbey Island. Just under 200 miles divided between 12 runners to be run over a day and a half. It was one of the most horrible and wonderful experiences I've ever had. horrible because I had the stomach flu and it was a BAD stomach flu all around. But wonderful because I was able to accomplish an incredible race with an amazing team of runners. Scott was on my team. I didn't ever really get to know him much. I remember he was extremely funny and despite my sickness, I was able to laugh when around him. And I knew he was Stacy's brother. Later, I also came to realize that he remembered me as the girl who threw up a bunch because of a burrito she ate. And that because I was throwing up, there was NO WAY he was going to eat the pasta salad I made! Probably a good idea, too.

Flash forward, to maybe May 2009. I had posted a few things on Facebook about getting divorced. Not always completely obvious but if close enough attention was given, you would catch on. Well, sweet Stacy Jensen had been a dear friend when I was up in Washington and she somehow realized I was getting divorced and moving back home. She sent me a message and said it broke her heart to see what I was going through and that she was seeing the very same thing happen in her family. Her similar words, "I'm not sure if you remember my brother Scott from the relay we ran, but he is going through a divorce as well. It saddens me so much to see 2 good people getting divorced." I was shocked. How could such a sad thing happen to such a good person?

I thought to myself, yes I do remember Scott! That is so sad that he is going through the same thing. I wonder if he would ever want a friendly face to talk about what he was going through. I mean I barely know the man. Heck, he probably just remembers me as the girl who had a horrible stomach flu! Every so often over the next several months, I would ask Stacy how he was doing. She was also so positive. Saying it was hard for him but that he was staying strong and overall doing well. And by the way his spirit looked when I saw him at conference, I would have to agree!

Fast forward back to Stake Conference...

Ok, so how do I ask how he is doing?...Hey Scott, remember me? I heard you are getting divorced. I'm so sorry. Oh, you don't remember me. I was the girl who was throwing up during the ragnar race a couple years ago. yeah, I know, gross right?

hmmm....that went bad in my head.

He's coming by. So I give a simple wave and a look of concern like, 'how are you doing? and a quiet hello'. Later I learn he thought something was wrong with me, like I had something in my eye. Sooo not the impression I was going for!!!

The next day I'm on my ever so addictive facebook because its my one outlet to the world and I see Scott on there. Ok, so it wasn't by accident. I did actually look his name up. Gosh, I kind of felt like a stalker but I was so drawn to him and the feeling was so overwhelming to talk with him. So I call my good friend Haylee in Utah and tell her about everything going on in my head. She was perfect to talk to. She knew EVERYTHING I had gone through. She understood me completely. What should I do? Should I request him as a friend? Will he know who I am? She tells me to be brave and do it! She was a great motivator and it was exactly what I needed. Who knows, maybe a good friendship could come out of it. I am going to have to start mingling with other "singles" at some point. I mean, I will officially be one of them come the end of October when my divorce is final. Ugh, another reminder that I will be a divorcee. I hated that label!!! Next step, I friend requested him....now I sit and wait. Will he just accept me and not say anything? Would I then further stalk him and write on his wall or send him a message? What if he declines me because of that weird hello wave I gave him??? I shouldn't even be worrying about it. It's just a friend request. No big deal. I thought it would be days, maybe weeks before he responds. But a post on my wall came the very next morning...

Tonight I indulged myself with a movie for myself. I watched Julie & Julia. It was a perfect movie for me because it talks about food and self evaluation and well....blogging. This is something I desire to do often yet I don't set aside time to do so. So thank you Julie & Julia for inspiring me to blog this time of year. I really missed it!!!

Being so close to the end of the year, I felt it would be a great time to go over my new years resolutions. I haven't even looked back at them in probably 4 or 5 months so I have no idea where I stand. You will be finding out right along side me!!

1. I set out to do Piliate's 2 times a week. Well officially, I believe I accomplished doing pilates maybe 2 times the entire year! Great Job Cristy!!

2. Go the month of January with no treats or soda. well I did cut down immensely but I still love my treats!

3. Lose the 20 lbs I've gained in the last year and a half. I am very proud of myself for this one because I did lose 15 lbs of it. I have a few extra lbs but its nothing I can't still reach...if I really could give up my treats....which I probably won't!

4. Study and understand the Doctrine and Covenants. I do feel like I better understand D&C. some of the sections I went through were one's that I didn't ever remember reading before. And I know I've read all of them several times. though, not surprisingly, I feel I still have so much more to learn!!!

5. At this point, I am not able to run on a regular basis but I miss running so much. My goal is to run just 1 race this year. Yay for this one!! I did 3 5K races and another ragnar relay race in Las Vegas. All this was accomplished even though I sprained my ankle and was out of running commission for 2 months this summer. And I plan to run more this upcoming year!

6. I would like to finish reading Preach My Gospel. I have learned so much from the sections I've read. I just want to finish it. and I haven't finished reading it but I did start reading to my girls out of it to prepare gabriella to get baptized in May. I do love this book!

7. To read 9 more fiction novels this year. And another goal accomplished. I managed to read exactly 9 fiction books this year. I read all 4 of the vampire academy books, 3 in the Night World series, Dairy Queen, The Off Season, and I believe Esther by Eleanor Liggens was the last. I really enjoyed reading this year. My vampire horizons are forever broadened. hehe.

8. Learn 5 more songs in the children's songbook. I definitely learned 5 new songs this year in primary. It helped that I was made the nursery chorister because then I really had to learn the songs. plus, a couple I learned in teaching senior primary. I LOVE PRIMARY SONGS!!

9. Learn more than just how to play the melody on the piano and learn the basic chords on the guitar. well I have definitely learned a lot on the piano but not so much on the guitar. line upon line I guess. but I am loving learning more on the piano.

10. Learn how to keep my house generally clean. Ok so I did get really good at that this year....until I moved. then it went back down hill. I have utilized the flylady.net website and I am striving to get back there. We'll see if next year will be any better. A little at a time right. I just love making goals and look forward to later this week making my new ones for next year!!

I really am proud of my accomplishments this year since it has been a rough year. With being a single mom, there was a part of me that felt so stretched that I didn't want to keep going with all my goals. But now, I am so glad for all that I have done. And I am looking forward to a new, wonderful year!!!